I've decided to take back my life from the cancer diagnosis. Nearly a year ago I was misdiagnosed for 4 months. With recent tests we now know that I already had stage 4BC on the day of my diagnosis. I've spent the last 7 months obsessed with all things cancer. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of people telling me who I should see, what I should eat, what I should take for a cure, how I should live, even how I should feel, etc. I'm tired of talking about cancer. I'm tired of being scared every waking moment.
I've lived a very healthy lifestyle for my entire adult life and yet I have cancer. Nothing I could have done differently would have changed this fact. I'm no longer going to question the whys. The only way this could have turned out differently for me, is if the original radiologist had made a correct diagnosis with the two sonograms that were done a year ago, that showed textbook Classic stage 1 BC. He did NOT. There is now a very a good chance that his poor skills and his total lack of caring, will cut my life short by decades. But that being said... I'm not going to quit! I am strong and healthy and I will continue in treatment, eat healthy, exercise and look into any trials that are out there for my type of cancer. In fact, my plan is to live every last moment I'm here on this beautiful planet. I LOVE LIFE. I LOVE FUN.
The only way I can fully be in the moment again is to stop dwelling in cancer. I need to stop talking about it every waking moment. Its gotten so bad, it's now in my dreams. The fact is; not one of us is getting out of here alive. Not one of us knows when our number is going to come up, as my beloved dad told me many times, in fact it was our last conversation before he died suddenly! I have been given a warning that my number is most likely coming sooner then later, and knowing that fact, makes me really want to LIVE AND ENJOY everyday as if it is my last. Today I've made a decision with my hubby and my mom, that cancer talk with others is off limits from now on, as they are both tired of the same thing I am exhausted from. They are both hurting as much as I am. Being sucked into cancer talk by well meaning friends and family is draining all of us. It keeps us from living today in joy and happiness.
Today I decided to spend everyday from here on in, like my past 10 year old self, living for today and enjoying it all! My hubby, My sons, food, experiences, nature, birds, reptiles, wild animals, my dog, my family, friends, starlight, sunrises, sunsets, storms, rainbows, just everything! I did a creek walk with my pup and I caught frogs, I watched the fish, insects, clouds, listened to the water, felt the breeze on my face and the water on my body, I absorbed every last moment, it was blissful. Tomorrow I'm headed to the Cape with my hubby to go whale watching, something I love so much. I also booked a cottage on Schroon Lake for 10 days and another in Maine for a week. We planned another weekend with my son and DIL up to a cabin. We are going to a Ranger preseason game too! Life is now, I need to live it! Worrying about how long I have and how I might die is wasting what precious time I do have. The Universe has my back. My only job right now is to: JUST BE. IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE.
|My personal playground|