Vison

I spent the better part of yesterday as well as some of the middle of the night wrapped in complete utter sadness. I could not stop thinking about my Petey and how much I miss him, how my soul is screaming for him to come back to me. It's been three months since his death. I still have been unable to move on with my life. I have a few good days and then many bad ones. I've been treating myself very badly with food choices,too much alcohol and allowing myself to sit in depression. I woke up thinking I've got to get moving forward, get back to living in the moment, cherishing each precious day given to me.

This morning while dressing I looked out my window and there were 5 Canada geese with 1 lone Snow goose flying by. I was happy to have caught that moment in time to see the snow goose, also thinking how sad it was that he has somehow been separated from his own kind. I decided to get Monty out for a early hike before the rain we are expecting started. We headed up to the Co. Park. Hoping that today's hike was much better then yesterdays. We had a horrible time yesterday, one of the worst I've ever had with him. He took off on me for a good 20 minutes. I wanted to kill him, to just leave and be done with trying to get him to bond enough to me, that he would never take off like that again. This isn't the first time he's run off, but it was the longest. My other dogs had never done that to me, they would take chase but return with in a minute or 2. I came to the realization that it's not Monty that's keeping us from having a better relationship, it's me. I'm still holding onto Petey. Poor Monty doesn't have a shot at my heart as long as Petey is still between us. He doesn't have the sort of attachment to me that would keep him from running off. I can't blame him, I've held him at arms length for 17 months now.

We parked down below the parking lot and started up the trail. I marveled at the beautiful carpet of leaves that now covers the forest floor. Winters nourishment for trees, how perfect nature is to have no waste. When we arrived at the vernal pool where I spread Uno's ashes, I became over whelmed with emotion, tears filled my eyes and I began to cry. A light breeze started to blow and suddenly I felt my heart expand, the world suddenly got brighter, more in focus, I felt totally alive, and then I saw them Khan, Bigelow, Uno, Mason and Petey all there with me! I truly felt their spirits! They were all happy tails wagging having the time of their lives hiking with me. I was so overwhelmed that I had to sit down. I looked at Monty....and he suddenly runs towards me with a complete look of joy on his beautiful puppy face, he starts licking my face and tears.....I could hear him saying....welcome back, I've missed you! I started to laugh and continued to feel the presence of those 5 dogs that I loved so dearly. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude that I got to have each of them in my life even if they didn't get to live long lives.

Monty and I continued on our hike, it was as if I could see all my boyz running with us. Monty was completely attuned to me, watching for direction, and constantly looking at me. He even stayed close. Towards the end of the hike a large buck ran right in front of him. I yelled STAY. Guess what....he stayed! He didn't even move a muscle. I walked up to him, leashed him and away we went. No pulling either! I was felt shear joy. So proud of my boy. As I began the drive home I looked at my odometer...it was about to change to 46,000 miles.....I took that as another sign....time to build my relationship with heart dog number 6. I am going to try and get someone to make a painting for me of my five boyz and myself hiking in the woods.