Early this morning as I was out in the park in a show squall, I thought to myself, I almost feel guilty being able to be out here in nature getting a good fast hike/run in, while others are on their machines doing their time. I can't imagine ever going to a gym, no wonder so many people hate to work out. For me getting outside there are so many opportunities to see so much more then the 4 walls of a gym and a bunch of people you don't know. Nature has gifts just waiting for your eyes to see them. Just the change of the weather is stimulating, and also changes the intensity of your hike/walk or run. This morning the ground was soft and slippery again after a day of rain, that alone helps build leg muscles. Two days ago it was frozen. Mother nature provides so much entertainment as you do your miles, there is never a dull time out there with nothing to see, the clouds alone today took my breath away. I'm so happy that I have discovered for myself how to have a lasting commitment to a lifetime of fitness. It's hiking for me and I'm blessed.
I also did some thinking this morning about my Petey. He has been gone 5 months tomorrow. I had a dream about him the other night where I really felt like he was with me. In the dream he had died suddenly, just like in real life, but some how he came back alive, but he wasn't well. He couldn't walk far with out falling over. He was leaning on me. He wasn't in pain or suffering, and it was such a amazing feeling to be holding his big brown body again, to have him lick my tears. He was very happy to see me. But his condition wasn't good, my big strong man was no longer the dog he was meant to be. It was as if in this dream Petey gave me a message and let me know that when he died it was his time. That no matter what I did medically, the outcome would not have been good for HIM. CHF would have been tragic for him. He went out of this life when and how he was suppose too. He didn't want to become any less of himself. That is how I now think about my dads sudden death too. For me my dad never got old. He went out before losing his manhood, which was everything to him. I know now that Petey did the same thing. They both were such proud dominate beings, that their lives had to end that way for them to keep their dignity.It's hard on us, but easy on them. Their deaths weren't about me, they were about them, and what was best for THEM. Petey and my dad didn't suffer at the end of their lives. They lived fully and gave all that they had to us. It was their time to go. We all will have a time to go, we don't get to choose it, those of us left behind have to learn how to deal and move on. That is what my dad and Petey would want for me. I had trouble figuring this out for the last 7 years since dads passing. I got it!
Yesterday would have been Petey's 5 year gotcha day. I am still trying to make sense of why he came to me, as nothing is an accident in this life. I think Petey came to protect me,to take over for my dad, because I was weak after so many deaths and so much hurt. He took his job very seriously from minute one, he made me feel safe and secure, he took away my fear of living. He left when he knew I was going to be ok, that I'm going to be able to get back in this game of life and become the strong women I was before my dad passed away. I let myself go after his death. I gained weight and lost my fitness level. I ate out of grief, and caused myself more pain, as for years I've suffered the symptoms of eating foods that I can't tolerate. A horrible self defeating punishment instead of facing the pain of life. I'm done with all that,I'm facing life. I now have a dog who needs me to show him that a I'm confident leader. Monty came to me so I can pull myself back up again and BE ALL THAT I CAN BE. I'm two weeks into not using food to console myself, and I feel incredibly fabulous. NO grain, dairy or sugar. I have also cut my alcohol down too! I've set myself up for some future goals, I want to backpack again. I know that this would be a dream come true for both hubby and myself to spend long weekends out in nature. I am so looking forward to getting myself fit enough to get back to my life out in nature! One day at a time....just get out there and DO IT! Put those shoes on and show up!
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